A Letter of Amends...
I am writing this in an attempt to amend the damage I have caused.
I know this is an almost impossible task. You see, when you damage
someoneís soul, there is little that can be done to repair the wrongs.
I know about the nightmares, the flashbacks, and the little things
that trigger the pain that dwells so deep inside you that you never
thought the healing could ever reach. But, the healing can come. I doubt
it can come from me, Iím the one who caused the pain. You trusted me, you
had faith in me, and I violated that trust in the worst way. I stole your
innocence and left scars on your soul. You did absolutely nothing to cause
this. It was never your fault. I manipulated you. I groomed you so well
your young mind couldnít possibly have been aware of where I was taking
you. Even if you had seen it coming, you were powerless to stop it. So,
none of this was your fault. I took advantage of your innocence and your
trust in me.
A simple apology isnít enough. I can say Iím sorry, but it somehow
just doesnít do the job. What can I do to repair the damage done since I
canít go back and undo the pain and suffering I caused? I can stop the
behavior. The only way to make amends for any harm I have done in the past
is to not repeat the same behavior again. The years I spent in prison, the
years I spent in sex offender treatment, and the fact I register as a sex
offender is only a beginning. I must make a conscious daily effort to
remain in recovery. I avoid putting myself in a position to re-offend. I
constantly monitor my thought patterns. I have sought out a spiritual path
that keeps my mind and heart focused on doing the right thing. And most of
all, I strive to maintain a healthy self-esteem without harming others. I
abused you in an attempt to fulfill a part of me that felt inadequate.
This is a vicious cycle, because doing that to you made me feel even more
inadequate. I found myself repeating the behavior. And, I did this at the
expense of your innocence, your mental well-being, and your emotional
state of mind. I am truly, truly sorry for the pain and suffering I have
Note to Readers:
The above letter has been published
for purposes of providing survivors with the only acknowledgement of harms
done that many of you will ever receive. It is rare for a perpetrator to
be accountable and admit fault, let alone be committed to continuing
recovery. This is not intended to diminish the reality of your pain or to
give you a false hope that you could receive this same response from your
own perpetrator. Chances are you won't. But just as you often do your
emotional work towards your perpetrators in a symbolic way through letters
you don't send and empty chair work, etc., you can do this same sort of
healing work by imagining the power of hearing this message for
If any of you have comments you would
like to share with the author of this letter, you are invited to do so by
sending the publisher an email and all appropriate comments will be
forwarded. Your identity and email address will be kept private and
It is hoped that the publishing of
this letter has contributed to your healing journey.
Hiding Star Publishing, LLC